Friday, April 06, 2007

Second bests

The last time I was pregnant, it was sublime. Despite the morning sickness and the expansion of all of me, I reveled in it. I loved the miracle of it all, the excuse to eat anything, the total ignorance and blind anticipation of what was to come. I felt as if pregnancy had annointed me with some sort of special gift, one that I sported proudly. I bought pregnancy clothes the moment the second line appeared, opting for bright colors instead of my standard black. I consumed all things organic and every piece of literature written about pregnancy. I never studied so hard for any final -- hoisting myself into awkward positions on the windowsill of Barnes and Noble, gobbling up "What to Expect When You're Expecting" along with my obstetrically-sanctioned snack.

This time, it's all different. I look pretty much the same, but I feel huge. And I have the physical woes of a huge person - my legs ache and itch, I can't breathe through my nose, my back aches. I never drink enough water, and have subsisted on a steady stream of Sunkist and Starburst. I know too much - and worry incessantly - about how we are going to handle everything and the infinite "what ifs". I already have a baby at home, who I am obsessed with in a manner that makes me wonder if love really is limitless, or if I have used up my stash and this next baby will be left with the dregs. I fear the unknown instead of reveling in it - and wonder if we were too arrogant in spinning this wheel of chance again.

And then there's the guilt. Does the new baby, floating around in a fluid filled with my poor food choices, feel less loved already? Does he wish he came first, when I had the time and energy to do things like walk on the treadmill, read baby name books and count down the days? Is he destined for a life of second bests? His toys will have been prechewed. Is there such a thing as hand me down love?

6 Comments:

At 10:48 AM PDT, Anonymous Leigh said...

He has one thing that Chloe will never have and that is her love for him. She will help you raise him right.

 
At 2:16 PM PDT, Blogger beri said...

i was your second fill of friends at school and i can tell you that i felt an infinite amount of your love!!!!

 
At 7:30 PM PDT, Anonymous gila said...

you're not alone... i always wonder the same - how will i ever love another child like i love my first? i've heard one's heart grows exponentially with each kid. baby #2 is so lucky to be entering into your family - don't doubt that for a second. your heart might actually explode, but surely it'll be worth it! :)

 
At 8:53 AM PDT, Blogger eastmoormom said...

i agree with gila...your hear just gets bigger..but to fullfill your need to read...there are plenty of books on the subject!! i had the exact same feelings with our number two..especially since i was an only child...but now with number four...i can tell you without a shadow of a doubt..your heart just gets bigger...no ifs ands or buts..

 
At 10:50 AM PDT, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I will buy new toys for new baby so no prechewing!! T

 
At 7:04 PM PDT, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, Sweetie --
It's been too long since I've read your blog, but it was good fun to catch up. Re: this one, you have already given Baby #2 the BEST thing ever...something reserved only for him...a big sister. That should erase all guilt. (Key word is, "should." :))
Miss you -
Can

 

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