Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Never say never

Forever terrifies me. The irrevocable nature of it shakes me to the core. I crave fluidity, flexiblity, the promise of a brand new tomorrow. After my last summer at camp, on that final night, I cried large and choking tears, not because I would miss the bunks or even the friends but because I would never be a camper again. After college, I spent many a day with my stomach in knots, nauseated by the end of an era.

My aversion to forever surprised me when it appeared with a vengence when my daughter was born. I found her lovely and delicious but was plagued by her permanence. I lay in bed beside her bassinet, when she was barely a week old, sickened by worry over things like college. It was far away, unimaginably far, but she would be there and it would be up to me to get her from here to there. I could not imagine how I would factor her in, much less centrally, to my already full life. I passed a restaurant, watching childless people clink glasses and lean over plates with sunglasses on their heads. While pushing her stroller I thought, "I will never eat out again". My world was suddenly filled with nevers and forevers.

Thankfully, my anxiety dissipates once the change settles in and blends with the panorama of my life so that it becomes unnoticable. But I still crave options. Recently, my best friend asked me if I would have a third child. I had always planned on three, but this was before - before the financial, emotional and physical burdens of child rearing became real. Less real than the joy and love perhaps, but still there and huge. I am pretty sure that our second child will be our last, but I found myself unable to commit to that resolution. Because that means I will never again be pregnant, never give birth, and forever be a family of four. All of these things might be more than fine, they might be the way they should be. The way that I want things to be. But that little voice still wants to crack open a window, a maybe.

The only time in my life when I seamlessly slammed the door on one chapter and eagerly ripped open the next when my husband proposed. I enjoyed my single life, but when presented with a forever with my husband A, total love and assuredness rendered any little voices mute. It is this experience that made me believe that I could be alright with earth shattering change, with reinvention and final farewells. It has never again been that easy, but at least I know I have it in me, and beside me.


At 4:01 PM PST, Blogger Janya said...

Love, love, love this post.

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