Hey Jealousy

Jealousy has eluded me more often than not. In general, I am too spacey and consumed within my own life to worry about who has it better. Of course, there is longing -- for poreless skin, wash and go hair, a larger apartment, better career. But these yearnings are all theoretical, rarely centered on any one person who possesses what I would like to have.

My husband once called me jealous, in relation to other women in his potential orbit. I stand by my response that this is summarily untrue. I think I am a pretty hot dish, and frankly, don't worry much about other women stealing him away. I just have zero tolerance for female friends, flirty banter, etc. because of all the things that could be misrepresented, misconstrued -- the general slippery slope shit. I am unbearably sanctimonious on this topic, so let's stop here.

Jealousy has reared its head round these parts -- I watch Chloe as she festers in it without understanding what has overtaken her, wearing it like a belt that's too tight. It is a floating discontent, where she is visibly unsettled even when she does not realize that there is a baby in the house. She clings to my skirts, throws food on the floor, whines without reprieve. She is not jealous of the baby per se, but of a life she once had where she was the center -- when mommy was not so irritable, tired or feeding a mewing bundle from the very heart of her.

And lo and behold, I am uniquely jealous -- not of childless women who do not know of these tugs, but of mothers of one, or mothers of two or more who are past this phase. Basically, anyone who is not struggling to recreate normalcy. I am jealous of harmony, the lilting music of a family dancing to a familar beat, the mindless routines of who-does-what.

I am even jealous of pregnant women, my friend who was due a few days shy of my due date and was still blooming with anticipation. My waistline has thinned and my legs have taken on their unique post-partum knobiness that will flesh out in the upcoming months, yet I longed for her girth, for more time to prepare for this seismic shift. All the while knowing -- there would never be enough time to ready myself for these growing pains.