Thursday, November 30, 2006

More

There is a time -- once your chubby infant develops a neck, the ability to move unassisted, perhaps feed him/herself -- when people will start asking you when you are having another.

And by people, I mean my in laws. And strangers on the street.

I always thought I wanted gobs of kids. This was before infertility, a complicated labor and delivery, a year of nursing, terrifying moments of illness and google searching things like "baby repeatedly slams self into highchair", unexpectedly expensive things like SHOES and DIAPERS -- mainly, a whole lotta change.

A friend told me once that two is the optimal number of children because it gives parents the ability to have "man on man defense". I think this a football thing, but I kinda get it since it seems to take double that to manage one little Chloe.

But another friend talks about her two sisters -- the camraderie of three, the fullness. I have two siblings and it always felt like enough, never too much.

As Chloe becomes more independant, and I get older, which raises the risks of just about everything, I think about having other kids, going down that road again. On one hand, I am thrilled that I will never live the overwhelming ignorance of new motherhood again. A friend with three boys under four years old said that it is easier, that anything is easier, than being a new mom.

My main concern, is that I can not imagine loving anyone as much as I do my Chloe. People who have worried about this aloud have always seemed ridiculous to me - but I totally get it. I feel like we have hit the jackpot with her. Despite all of my fears that something will be terribly wrong, she is perfection in the way that I define it -- meaning, she is the most incredible miracle on a daily basis. The fact that she is wrapped up in a beautiful package that is all her own is icing on the cake. Over the past few months, she is less my baby and more a best friend -- we dine together, laugh together, shop together. My heart swells with each "Ma, Ma, Ma". The thought of playing the odds again is terrifying. And in the manner that I believe that my husband is was my destined partner, that I could never love anyone more or deeper or again, I feel this way about Chloe.

But then I think back on the time before Chloe, when life felt complete and as good as it gets. And while I will always miss that time, our special twosome free of any serious responsibility, I would not trade it for what we have now. I know I will feel this way again, about this time now with just Chloe, when/if we have more kids.

But I can't help wondering what we did to deserve so many blessings, and praying that it's not too much to ask for more.

5 Comments:

At 4:10 AM PST, Anonymous weboy said...

My sister seems to have made a similar decision, and I can understand the feeling. As an uncle I have the purely selfish wish to have two kids to dote on rather than one, like getting an extra pair of shoes. (I would love the opportunity - even knowing that American Girl is expensive - to dote on a niece.) :) I worry about my nephew being alone when all of us who love him so are gone - a sibling would help him feel less alone in the world. And I know my Mom loves both me and my sister, but in different ways, because we are different people. And many people - Mom included - tell me that it gets easier with additional kids because you know more of what to expect; the crying and the occasional illnesses are less crisis-like.

Still, all of that said, I see your points. No one should pressure you into more kids if you don't want them. And I see My nephew having the relationship with his Mom that you describe with yours, and that I have with mine. And it gets richer and deeper as time goes on. At least, that's what I know.

 
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