Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Whats with the wanting?

About fifteen days ago (but who is counting?) I got my period for the first time in fifteen years -- unassisted by the Pill or some other means of hormonal encouragement. I don't ovulate often if ever, so it was a historic event when I discovered this (unfortunately I was in Burger Heaven bathroom at the time). Luckily I was with my friend D who managed to muster some excitement despite the fact that she is 20 weeks pregnant and it was about 100 degrees outside. "This is a good thing" she said. "Right?"

Despite a week of bloody hell, I was pretty proud of my ovaries, which had been previously written of as crippled - they had somehow found away to release that egg (or whatever they do). Everyone likes an "against the odds" success story - like that movie Rudy about that tiny football player. My ovaries are Rudy! Ok - bad analogy.

Since then, I have been waiting to see if I have somehow been healed or if that event was some bizarre anomaly. For the millions of ovulating women, this all reads very strange, I know - wanting a period. But somehow my body's stubborn denial to get with the program and act like the girl that I am has made me want a cycle more than anything. Its an outward sign that all is well on the inside, and that when and if I want to become pregnant again it can happen without drug (or other) intervention.

All of this has made me wonder if we are always in a perpetual state of "wanting". Wanting something different than what we have, even if what we have is a bloat-free, cramp-free, tampon-free existence.

Is there such a thing as being totally happy with the "here and now"? Is Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome really so bad in the face of, let's say, Ovarian Cancer (my latest unfounded yet overwhelming fear). Am I too happy in life that I always need to feel like I need to be wanting something that I don't have (even if that something can stain permanently an otherwise very cute khaki suit -- damn you super but not super-enough tampons!)

Pin straight hair. Poreless skin. Math to come easy. I have spent alot of time desiring these things and more. When what I have are curls that strangers stop to admire, skin that I am comfortable in and the ability to count on my fingers under the table. Not perfect, but damn near.

Unrelated: It has been brought to my attention that I misuse quotations. Real quotations, not Britney's air quotes, thank god. A rabbi at work told me that it implies a lack of commitment that that which is within the quotes. Hmmm...commitment phobia when it comes to words? Now there is a whole separate post!


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